Shalom in the Home
Dr. Elior Kinarthy
Psychologist
Jewish Family Services of Vancouver Island will be delivering many gift packages "mishloach manot," for Purim this March to those in need in our community. Purim is the historical story about our heroes Queen Esther and her uncle Mordechai who saved the Jewish people from death and destruction in ancient Persia. Today it is an enchanting holiday, especially for children who delight in the food, costumes and the reading of the “megillah” (story) of Purim. The JFSVI Purim baskets will be filled with treats and hamantaschen, "oznei haman," from our local kosher bakery,The Bikery. One of the purposes of the mishloach manot is to send gifts to family, friends and acquaintances to promote unity and harmony in our community, especially during these times of social isolation.
Normal social interactions were interrupted during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdowns. Many people are losing contact with family and friends, have reduced their social circles and are reluctant to make new friendships. The lack of social connections can be especially detrimental to children. To counteract the reduction in social commitments, it has become a matter of trying to increase the quality of interactions, rather than concentrating on the quantity.
In addition, fear and anxiety about disease and the unknown has contributed to occasional animosity between friends and family members. How can you help to heal the rifts between family members or friends who refuse to interact or spend time with you?
You can bring family and friends back together by using some innovative approaches.
Silence is golden. Don’t try to change people’s minds about their beliefs. Phone calls, apologies and personal visits will usually not work if your goal is to get them to see your point of view.
Reinforce a renewed connection by a present or gift that rewards a personal contact.
Get in touch with your affectionate feelings for that person, remembering all their best qualities and your positive, past interactions. Your feelings of affection for that person will return.
Apologize for the rift in your relationship but it has to be a real and authentic apology. Being real means you will have to behave differently than your mind’s conditioning, or your ego. It means “thinking outside of the box”.
If it was a close relationship-the phrase “Let me make it up to you” will often help to find practical ways to make a difference in the relationship.
Masks that hide your identity are fun and harmless for holidays like Purim but masks worn everyday can contribute to difficulty relating to your friends and relatives. Very young children do not remember a time without masking, so they experience a significantly deeper impact from having to wear masks. People tend to talk less, are more subdued and have vastly reduced facial expressions, the result is that they can feel insignificant which is a precursor to the clinical definition of low-self-esteem. Young children are affected more profoundly by hidden faces-depending on the length of time they experience it. If they are ordered to wear a mask and have no choice, children are more likely to experience increased feelings of powerlessness and that is one of the early signs of depression. To have choices is to be mentally healthy.
Often the first sign of mental illness in children is a lack of social engagement at birthday parties, games and other group activities. Participation is mental health! Consistent non- participation can indicate depression and low self-esteem in both adults and children, and can ultimately advance to mental illnesses. Other consequences of continual mask wearing for children is that they tend to eat and talk less. Talking and eating together with their peers is an important aspect of social engagement. Some of the problems are alleviated when you are allowed to take off your mask while eating in restaurants, cafe’s, and cafeterias.
At school, if some of the parents are not in favour of masks, and not all children are required to wear masks, then the children will experience less damage. It then becomes an individual choice and children can benefit from more parental involvement. If some parents are not in favour of masks and others support it, then the children experience more stress and anxiety. In my opinion, as a psychologist concerned with mental health and well being, it is better to home school young children rather than have them wear masks perpetually.
An example of some side benefits of continuously wearing masks for adults may be that they will tend to eat less and smoke less, but the damage done to their normal social interactions far outweighs any residual benefits.
In the future, children from this era may have difficulty expressing themselves and identifying as individuals. They may not know how to respond to facial cues and as a consequence, smile and laugh less often. The more we are acclimating to social isolation, the more it is becoming a habit, and habits can be hard to break!
My advice is to help distribute Purim gifts to your family and friends and choose positive thinking instead of negative thinking. If you can do that, then you have free will and the ability to ignore your anger. This will help restore your relationships, and bring happiness and peace to your home.
Chag Purim Sameach!
Happy Purim!